Tremors, Bike Rides & Learning to Leave

I live in the most beautiful country in the world, I thought. I seriously gulp in the air and my whole body does a sigh of longing and contentment. 

I was riding in response to the way my illness is changing my body.

The tremor set in again today. Sometimes it stays all day and sometimes a few hours. It disarms me. My head wobbles and bobbles unnoticed to others. But because its my head, I notice every movement.

I rode to remind my body, soul and mind of strength.

I rode to retrain my motor memory. Body, you are strong. Remember this. Don’t forget it.

I rode so not to lose the strength and mobility my body has now. I rode in response to fear of losing more.

I rode to delight in the day.

I rode to notice beauty rather than dwell on weakness and fear.

I rode to pretend I am who I always was.

I rode to distract myself from the shaking and the unwelcome firework show my nerves were putting on.

But I finally stopped riding and pretending and distracting. I sat on the rocks and watched the water and canoes float by on the river.

My body trembled and I didn’t try to stop it.

I thought about how I have always been a stay-er. In relationships, churches, jobs, with cell phone companies and difficult tasks. I have stayed way past when I wanted to leave. Maybe this is good for character. Maybe I should’ve learned leaving before now. Who can say? It doesn’t much matter to me now.

My illness is teaching me many things. Gentling me. It is also teaching me that this might be a season of realizing I have learned to stay. This is not a gap in my formation. I’ve been a stay-er. I am now learning about leaving and letting go. Maybe this is precisely because I have learned to stay. Richard Rohr talks about something similar here.
Its teaching me to live more open-handed perhaps. Sometimes I’m too weak for grasping.

But in this beautiful home, neighborhood, city, bike path, country – I’d like to keep on being a stay-er. You, beautiful places, give me somewhere to stay as I’m learning to leave.

PS. It was also fun to be a rebel :) and ride without a helmet. So much more relaxing and peaceful.